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Where did my body go?

In a short answer.  It went to becoming a mom.  it went to my children.  It went to putting others needs before my own.

I am sure many of you can relate to me.  Every time I look in the mirror and look at my body, I just don’t love what I am seeing.  I will never say I hate my body (not out loud anyways) because that is not something I want to teach my daughters, but I definitely do not love it.  It is a crazy image obsessed world we live in.  I can only imagine how bad it will be by the time my littles are in their teens.

As women, we tend to find our self worth in how thin or fit we are. How good an outfit looks on, or having a jawline (still looking for mine after those extra chins having kids left me with).   For those of you that have the confidence without the fit body, all the power to you, but I know for me its a daily, no HOURLY struggle.  I’m not ashamed to say I check out other moms/women and compare myself to them.  I put on my clothes on the morning and cringe at how they fit, I feel guilty after every delicious sugary bite I put in my mouth (serious sugar addict over here).  I wish every day that I felt more confident for my husband.  I know he looks at me, and sees beautiful no matter what, but when I don’t feel beautiful, it affects our marriage.  I’m sick of always thinking about it.  Why should my weight define me.  Why does it affect me so much.  At the end of the day is it really that important?  I mean I have an amazing man that loves me, an incredible family, and friends that like to be chubby right along with me, so really why does it matter?

Healthy weightloss diet food

It matters because of my health.  I have lost a significant amount of weight twice in my short 29 years. In high school I was long and lean, athletic and then at 17 I met my hubby, we ate out all the time I stopped exercising as much, and did a lot more sitting around, drinking, eating, and lounging.  Then at 21, I remember hitting a number on the scale that shocked me, I knew something needed to change.  That was my “aha” moment which I am thankfully experiencing again right now. I started working out regularly and focusing on my diet and pretty quickly I dropped 30 lbs – I went on to get engaged and lost another 10 before the wedding for a total of 40 lbs lost.  I never felt so good! I had a ton of energy, I felt great in everything I put on.  I felt so beautiful on my wedding day.  I felt like me.

After our wedding I maintained that weight for a couple years, I gained back about 10, but was still very happy with my body.  Then I had a miscarriage, and ate all my feelings.  I then got pregnant with Sweets, and Lovey back to back.  I dropped down after pregnancy, but still the highest weight I had ever been.  Last fall I had another aha moment.  I wanted to run in a charity run, it had always been on my bucket list, so I signed up for an 8k and started training.  I lost 35 lbs.  Still a higher weight than I had ever been, but after being so overweight for a couple years I felt great.  Then I hit this magic number that I had worked so hard to achieve, and rewarded myself with a delicious dinner out at The Keg steakhouse.  After that dinner I totally fell off the wagon, and am currently at the highest weight ever. When I say ever, I mean I weigh more now then I did when I was 9 months pregnant. If that isn’t an aha moment I don’t know what is.

I started this blog as a creative outlet, but it has become so much more.  So now, I am going to be using this to keep me accountable.  I turn 30 in 4 short months.  I have a huge goal to meet by my 30th birthday.  Not only is it weight wise/clothes size wise, but more importantly health wise.  I have 2 beautiful daughters who look up to me.  One is starting school in the fall, and I know it won’t be too long before her body image will start to affect her.  My mom was always dieting and talking about her fat (she was never fat, and still has a great figure) but I think that really contributed to my negative body image, and obsession over weight. I refuse to repeat this cycle with my daughters.  I want a healthy lifestyle change, and thats that.  My husband is very healthy, I feed my kids super healthy (most of the time, we do love donuts!) but I always put my health on the back burner.  I am lucky if I have my first meal by 2pm (unless coffee counts).  I stay up too late and snack (I just finished a bag of popcorn) and some days I don’t drink an oz of water.  I live a terribly unhealthy life right now.  I don’t exercise regularly if at all, other then short walks to the park, and carrying around kids all day, but clearly that isn’t working! Seriously its starting to get hard to get up off the floor. That is terrible! So this is it, this is my third and final aha moment.  My get my ass in shape, and be the best mom I can be moment.  The change.  The healthy lifestyle I covet.  Time to stop being an Instagram follower of these moms, and be one of these moms.  Be healthy and strong, and a positive influence on my daughters.  Life an active, long life.  Show my daughters confidence, body love, activity, healthy food choices. I just want this to be the new me, so I don’t have to constantly think about it anymore, and do with my life what I actually want to do.  I want to focus on things that matter, inspire others, do good, love God, serve others.  I want 30 to be the start of something amazing.

So how do I plan on doing this?  I am a knowledge junkie, I’ve lost weight twice before.  I know what I am doing. I am committing to “3rd times the charm” and I am pledging to keep this unhealthy body, and mind from ever coming back.  I will save my how to’s for another day.  Maybe when I can actually back it up with some proof. For now I leave you with this.  Be inspired to be the best version of you.  If you are not that person.  Change.  Take care of your body you only get one. I’m taking this advice, and about to hit publish so its out there for the whole world to see.  I’m not going to “wait til Monday to start” this time.  The change happens tomorrow. I will wake up and start. I will take my measurements and weight and before pictures and vow to never be that person again.

XoX Kait

 

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