So this is a bit out of my comfort zone to write about, but for some reason I just feel like good things are going to come from me typing this! So here goes nothing!
Sex. I’ve been having it for a while now, so that kinda makes me an expert right? I mainly want to discuss how important sex is in a marriage. You may be thinking “duh Kait, that’s not anything new”, but for those of you in relationships you know that the sex life ebbs and flows and sometimes there is plenty, and sometimes there are droughts. Well it has taken me 12 years with my hubby to realize how truly important it is. First off let’s get this out there. Guys are wired completely different than us ladies. They think about it, want it, wish they were having it ALL OF THE TIME. Well maybe not ALL of the time but definitely the majority of the time. This doesn’t taper off as they get older, in fact it intensifies. This doesn’t make them wrong it just makes them different (a quote from one of my favourite marriage studies) and yes I take marriage classes/studies because my marriage is incredibly important to me, and nurturing our relationship, and discovering how I can be the best wife is tremendously valuable information to me.
Check this video out if you are interested in the Love and Respect Course by Emerson Eggerich – I found this really valuable .
Knowing how important sex is to men, can teach us ladies a lot about how to be a better wife. Now before you get all “and what about teaching him to be a better husband” on me, let me say this. Marriage is a two-way street, sometimes it is easy to see the negatives in your significant other. I choose daily to put his needs before my own needs. Not to take a step back in feminist progression, not to be a doormat, not to submit to his will, but because I love him, and love is a choice not a feeling. Without me even having to ask him, I know he does the same for me. Of course there are days, where we fail at this miserably but we both truly believe that putting your spouses needs before your own, is one of they keys to a long-lasting marriage. Men need to feel respected, and women need to feel loved. Of course we all want to feel love and respect but as I have learned through out the years, our gender does play a role in what ways we feel most fulfilled in our relationships.
Let’s face it, as women we make a lot of the decisions for our families. Some husbands may have more input than others, but when it comes to the role of running a family, and a house hold, it is usually up to the women. I do hate to generalize but my opinion is based on my own experience, as well as other family and friend couples in our lives. So if you do not feel this way, then I apologize for the generalization. I feel most loved when my husband acknowledges everything I do for our family. When he surprises me with a special date night, when he goes out of his way to wrap his arms around me even though 12 years later our relationship is quite “comfortable”. He feels most loved when I include him on all decision-making, when I ask his opinion, when I agree with a decision that he made. When I sit down beside him to watch sports even though I feel like I have 1 million other more important things to be doing. When he feels like I make him my priority among priorities. When we have sex. When I acknowledge that frequent sex truly is a need that women don’t necessarily experience. I mean seriously ladies I know I’m not the only one who could easily go days, and even weeks without thinking about sex if he wasn’t around. If you are reading this early on in a relationship and you don’t have kids yet then this probably isn’t the post for you. I’m sure your sex life is just great. Come talk to me after you have had children. When all day long you have little people touching you and needing you, and never leaving you alone even to pee, they are eating from you, pooping on you, screaming at you. This is when the sex drive typically begins to fall in women. I know for me sometimes I just don’t even want to be looked at, let alone touched. There are days that there is no way in heck that I am going to shower, and get some sexy lingerie on. Just remember this on those days. Your husband has been gone from you all day – in 75% or more of his moments that day he thought about sex, about you,about having sex with you. If you haven’t had sex in a few days that percentage is probably more like 90% – through his business meetings, conference calls, sales pitch, job quote whatever it may be I can guarantee sex popped up in his head multiple times during that day. If he comes home to a hot mess wife, who doesn’t want to touch him. He feels unloved, rejected, disrespected.
Now I am not saying just have sex to please your husband. Do it to please yourself too. I am sure you can think of one time that you may not have been in “the mood” but you did it anyways, because he was bugging you and being mopey. Did you not enjoy it after all was said and done? Sex is an amazing thing given to us to enjoy! As women our brains are wired so differently, as in we have about 1000 different thoughts, responsibilities at any given time and just so much more going on in our brains. That’s what makes us so amazing. It is why we are such good career people, moms. We are queens of multi tasking. Men have significantly less wires – in fact I can probably break it down for you – the exact, short, select wires they have in their brains.
You see men are simple creatures. Women are incredibly complex. Our wires are more like
- Taking care of kids
- Next weeks doctors appointments
- Maintaining friendships
- Paying bills
- Kids activities
- Kids pizza day at school
- Remembering to return the library books
- etc. etc. etc.
Our minds are going a mile a minute almost all of the time. We don’t usually take things at face value, we always try and assess the deeper meaning, and figure out something that is going to be happening the next day. So all this to say. Shut your brain down every now and then, live in the moment, let your husband love you, and go get busy. Haha I promise you will feel more connected and if you are having relationship struggles, they will improve!